Im Having Feelings Again Lime Some 14 Year Old Kid

As a therapist and the mother of 3 teenagers myself, I know firsthand that the more you push your kids, the more they get defensive and dig in their heels. They become reactive in the grade of explosiveness or shutting down and ignoring you.

When they are not exploding, they are thinking the following: "My parents don't take a clue, so what's the point of trying to explicate myself? I'll only tune them out."

Clamming up or exploding are both ways your teenagers attempt to manage their stress and defend themselves. In fact, these may be the only ways your teen knows how to communicate when things get intense—which of course only causes more disharmonize.

Here are five secrets that I've constitute to exist really helpful for communicating with kids through the difficult adolescent years.

one. Start With Understanding, Even When You Don't Understand

Here's a elementary hush-hush that will help yous in everything you do with your teen. No matter how difficult it might exist, endeavor to offset all interactions with your child with agreement, fifty-fifty if you don't fully concur or even quite comprehend what they're talking most.

Here'due south an example. You find your child online chatting with her friends when she is supposed to be doing her schoolwork. It drives you lot crazy considering you lot're thinking, "She'south barely getting past in school and she doesn't seem to care or empathize that she needs to practise her homework."

Your teen, on the other hand, is thinking, "I have to become online and talk with Skyler. If we don't brand upward after the fight we had in the hall today, all the other girls volition be against me."

You lot and your child are living in 2 different realities. Ask your child, honestly, why she is chatting. Try to be understanding of her reality, even if you don't completely get it. Once y'all know what is going on, endeavor proverb:

"I understand how difficult it is for you when you lot take a fight with one of your friends. I also know that yous need to pass this test tomorrow. Schoolwork is your chore and information technology's your responsibleness to exercise it to the best of your abilities. Permit'south sit downward and think of a good way yous can manage your time this evening."

Try not to say "I understand, but…" which will simply disqualify what y'all've just said. Kickoff from a identify of understanding, and try to put yourself in your child's shoes start before telling her what needs to modify.

I've constitute that doing this tends to open kids' ears. Instead of feeling like they have to defend themselves confronting you, they really listen.

2. Don't Become Emotional Or Have It Personally

Emotion is your enemy when you're trying to become through to your teen. Remind yourself that what he says and does is non a reflection on yous. You may not like how he's behaving—or even how he's thinking—but go on your emotions out of it, even if his behavior impacts you.

I'chiliad not saying this is an like shooting fish in a barrel thing to exercise. Information technology'due south tough, simply it'due south very, very effective and is a skill you tin learn just like any other. In fact, I tell parents to repeat this mantra to themselves earlier talking to their kids:

"This is just the job of parenting. It's not personal."

When you really think about it, there'due south no reason to be mad at your kid for being himself. He may be making a poor choice, just the truth is, he might not yet have the skill set to make a improve one. So your job is to help guide him to ameliorate choices then he can, in turn, develop better problem-solving skills.

Try to but focus on your chore as a parent, it will help y'all be less emotional. When yous feel frustrated, remember, don't accept it personally. Initially, your kid won't similar you when you fix boundaries. Tell yourself that this is simply a problem to solve and part of parenting business as usual.

3. Ask Honest Questions…Not Loaded Questions

Ask your teen for his ideas and exist collaborative. Allow him see that you believe in him and that yous're not mad at him for struggling in his life. When you permit him see that you take faith in his abilities and he has the space to piece of work things out on his own, you lot will brainstorm to develop true confidence in him.

Don't enquire loaded questions that put your kid on the defensive. Questions such as "Why tin't you become up on fourth dimension? What's wrong with you?" just lead to conflict, not solution. Instead, try opening a conversation with:

"Eli, do you accept any ideas for how y'all might become up on time?"

If he says he doesn't know, offer a few of your ain and enquire which one would work for him. Allow your teen know that his bug are his to solve. Don't step into his "box." Give him the opportunity—yes, opportunity—to solve his own problems.

But, be sure to let him know that y'all are there to help him figure out solutions, to consult with him. Oh, and be sure to let him bargain with the natural consequences of his behaviors. Owning the problem ways owning the consequences.

Your ultimate goal is to help your child think for himself. Thinking for himself volition, in turn, aid him feel like he has some control over his earth.

Heed openly to what he says and enquire him to think critically most each choice. What will work and what will be problematic most each conclusion? What would be the natural consequences of each choice, and how would he feel most dealing with that?

4. Don't "Need" Your Child'south Good Behavior

Don't feel, or show, equally if you need your teen's cooperation, validation, or good behavior. As soon as you need something from your kid and then that you can experience improve, you accept put yourself in a vulnerable position considering he does not accept to give information technology to you.

When you need something and don't become it, y'all will naturally attempt harder past controlling and manipulating more. And your teen will become more and more defiant or passively compliant—neither of which is skilful.

The truth is, you don't need anyone else to prop you up. You lot tin validate yourself and solve your own bug. So if your child is acting out, that'due south his trouble. Your problem is to decide how you will cull to deport toward him. That'southward in your hands, not his.

Ask yourself, "How do I want to act, no matter how he is acting? What can I put upwards with and what can't I?" Accept dorsum your ability and say to yourself, "If my child is screaming at me, instead of needing him to terminate, I can turn around and walk away and not engage."

Let your child know you won't talk with him until he can approach y'all with civility. Hither'south the truth: when you aren't trying to become your child to change or shape upward, you will be able to think of better choices for yourself. And your child volition be less defiant because he will accept no ane to resist. When yous're non trying to control him and you're not reacting to him, he will have to wrestle with himself rather than with yous.

5. Don't Do Anything Until You're Both Calm

Another rule of pollex is to avoid doing anything until you and your kid accept both calmed downward. The fact is, you lot don't have to respond to your kid when you are upset or when your kid is upset and in your face. You tin say nothing. Yous can take a few minutes or more than if you lot need to.

When emotions have evened out, you lot can sit and talk with him. It'southward never expert to endeavor to bring upwardly a difficult field of study or resolve a conflict in the heat of the moment. So if either you or your child is upset, pause and come dorsum when you tin address things in a calmer way.

If you attempt a conversation with your child and he's rude or out of line, that'south when you have to agree on to yourself and make certain you don't go dragged into a fight. If your relationship with your child currently is such that it's incommunicable to accept an open, respectful chat, remember that it's withal your job to stay firmly planted.

Have a slogan that you say to yourself like, "I'm non going there no affair what." If you can do that consistently, over fourth dimension the baiting and antagonism should calm down. This is called self-talk and it really works.

And don't feel badly if you get pulled back into a fight occasionally—staying strong isn't piece of cake. The good news is that the more yous refuse to engage, the easier information technology will get to stay calm.

Related Content: Does Your Child Give You the Silent Treatment? 6 Rules for Getting Kids to Talk

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Source: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/5-secrets-for-communicating-with-teenagers/

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